'33 Shades of Shit Date' for Worst.Date.Ever - Varjack and Simpson for And What Festival

Paula Varjack and Dan Simpson run a night called Worst.Date.Ever, which invites people to share their stories of terrible dating mishaps. I conducted a poll of friends and family and performed this. All true. Thank you to all contributors.

1.     The first date where we had to sit in the shade in a pub garden on a lovely summer’s day as he told me he was on medication for chlamydia

2.     The date where he said ‘is that all I’m getting’ as we parted on a street corner with a snog

3.     The date where she got asked to take part in a threesome by a couple sitting next to us. Not a foursome. A threesome. And she spent ages chatting to them

4.     The date when I had food poisoning and I went back to hers just before it kicked in, and then it kicked in and I threw up violently in her loo and then her dog threw up violently on the carpet in front of us and she gave me a dry cracker, led me to the door and micro flinched when she hugged me goodbye

5.     The date where she brought her boyfriend along

6.     The date where we had nothing in common except crisps so we had to talk about crisps until a socially acceptable amount of time had passed and I could leave

7.     The date who had already had 2 bottles of wine before I got there and mumbled through the first half hour then I went to get her some water and when I got back she had passed out

8.     The not first date where I realised he was a deeply cynical person as he kept mocking everything I enjoyed and I called him out on it and we sat in silence until a socially acceptable amount of time had passed and I could leave

9.     The date who I didn’t fancy but fucking them in an alley was easier than talking any more

10.  The date where I flippantly said I didn’t know how people got accidentally pregnant so easily and she told me about the first time she’d had sex with her ex and accidentally got pregnant and had to have an abortion

11.  The date who ordered food but didn’t eat and it was the first date so I didn’t feel I could eat their dinner as well as mine and I never got over their wastage

12.  The date where I was thrown out of girl’s house for laughing at her poster of 50 Seminal Danish Chairs

13.  The date where he kicked a homeless man and ripped a hole up the arse of his own white jeans in the process

14.  The date who turned up pushing a double buggy but didn’t have kids

15.  The date where the guy was 45 mins late and I said I wasn’t drinking and he said ‘are you doing that to punish me’ and then told me everyone who has a pet should be forced to have children because pets are immoral

16.  The date that was so boring I pretended to be having a diabetes induced hypo

17.  The date who didn’t know how to use a bus because he’d never left Kilburn

18.  The second date who I immediately remembered I hadn’t even fancied on the first date but I’d been wasted so I’d forgotten

19.  The third date who I immediately remembered I hadn’t even fancied on the first or second date but had been wasted both times and forgotten.

20.  The date who was furious and became abusive when I wanted a pint and chat and not to go home and fuck and shouted I wasn’t all that anyway

21.  The internet date who turned out to be my mate’s dad who wasn’t out as gay

22.  The date who showed me hundreds of pictures of the vegetables she carved ornately for  dinners on her own

23.  The date who didn’t ask me a single question

24.  The date who talked about her ex all the way through the evening but I went home with her anyway and then she started talking about her ex when we were fucking and I finally realised I’d been out with her too

25.  The date who looked so much like my mum a bit of sick came up when they walked in

26.   The date who walked in carrying a plastic bag as his main bag bag and you just know

27.  The only date I’ve ever been on that has turned into an 11 year relationship and I’m still not sure it’s right     

28.  The date where I didn’t fancy them at all so I said I was having an early night and walked them back to their bike and I got on a bus and then got off at the next stop and walked back to the bar and snogged the person I’d actually had my eye on all night

29.  The date who suddenly disappeared after 3 weeks as he went to prison

30.  The date who was an actor on Coronation Street who would spend every meal saying ‘are they looking at me? are they staring at me?’ when we were eating. They never were.

31.  The date who was German and spent the whole time banging on about how in Germany they had had double glazing since the 1960s and we were really backward in only having it recently

32.  The date I didn’t realise was a date and took my partner to

33.  The date who took me to the same restaurant where his parents were eating out that night and we sat next to them and said hullo and then politely ignored each other until we were looking at the menu and my date asked me if I thought the chicken sounded like a good choice and his mum said darling that’s what I’m having it’s lovely and leant over and fed him with her own fork